First up, a light-hearted look at Ten Ways To Irritate The James Bond Fanatic In Your Life.
1. Remind them of Bond's real favourite drink.
Ask any self-respecting fan what Bond's favourite drink is and the chances are they'll say, "That's obvious! A vodka martini, shaken not stirred!" This is not, however, the case. Close inspection of the books reveal that Bond consumes a total of 317 drinks (an average of one every seven pages), which can be broken down thus: 101 whiskies, 35 sakes, 30 champagnes and only 19 vodka martinis. Even adding in all the martinis he orders in the films, the total is nowhere near the 101 for whisky. Of course, ordering a whisky at a bar isn't nearly as suave or smooth as ordering a vodka martini, so by all means keep doing that instead.
2. Argue that Daniel Craig's films are just copying Jason Bourne.
After the release of Casino Royale, those critical of the film claimed that this hard-bitten, cruel, serious, pugilist, almost dark Bond was just a copy of the two hugely successful Bourne films that had gone before. While it can certainly be said that CR and Quantum of Solace are grim films, almost entirely without humour or lightness of heart, this isn't down to the influence of the Bourne films, but rather a return to the tone and ethos of Fleming's original works. Casino Royale is, after all, a dark and violent book, and so were almost all of the ones that followed. Just because CR was such an unexpected tonal shift away from every other film in the series doesn't mean it wasn't true to being Bond. He'd gone serious before - notably in On Her Majesty's Secret Service and For Your Eyes Only - it's just that CR and QoS took it to the next level. And it worked - Craig's first became the highest-grossing Bond film to date, and on a personal note, his efforts rank 2nd and 3rd respectively on my all-time-favourite chart. The new era may have drawn some inspiration from Bourne, but is almost entirely still it's own beast. As Vesper said, just because you've done something doesn't mean you need to keep doing it.
3. Strenuously deny that George Lazenby is anything other than the best Bond.
A general consensus on OHMSS is that while the film is excellent, Lazenby as Bond doesn't quite match up to the level of his fellows. It didn't help, of course, that the entirety of his Scottish dialogue was dubbed (resulting in twenty minutes of not hearing our leading man), but it is true that Lazenby seems a little out of his depth. Would he have grown into the role and become a beloved Bond in the vein of Connery before him? It's hard to say. Personally I don't think he's quite as good as any of the others, but the decision to leave was Lazenby's, and so we must respect that. On the other hand, maybe he saw the script for Diamonds Are Forever, and decided to leave while the going was still good.
4. Remind them that the author himself hated some of his own work.
This is true of The Spy Who Loved Me. After publication in 1962, Fleming was so resentful of the novel that he prevented a paperback edition being published until after his death (the edition was eventually released in 1967), and refused for any of the material to be used in the eventual film of the same name. Hence when the movie was released in 1977, it bore no resemblance at all save the title, and turned out... well, I'm never quite sure what to make of the film, though it will of course be discussed in a future column. But returning to the book, it's not hard to see why Fleming hated it. The story follows Viv Michel, a young Canadian who runs a motel in the Adirondacks. Bond himself barely appears. The owner of the motel sends goons to burn it down and claim the insurance (not much of an Evil Plan compared to Thunderball or Moonraker), and of course Viv is in the way. Bond duly shows up in the nick of time, offs the gangsters, gets down with Viv and then promptly disappears before breakfast. From Russia With Love, it is not.
5. Continuously say that 'Halo' is a better shooter than 'Goldeneye'.
I have no idea whether this is true, not having played either, but it's still good for a laugh.
6. Play Madonna's 'Die Another Day' theme at full volume, 24/7.
Die Another Day is not as bad as many claim, but one thing is for sure - the theme tune is an absolute monstrosity. It takes doing to produce a song worse than Lulu's 'The Man With The Golden Gun', but Madonna managed it. The song is so bad that the CIA considered using it as a torture device at Guantanamo Bay, but the plan was aborted when a guard who happened to hear the song just once confessed responsibility for 9/11 and claimed he knew the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden. I hear that they're now using a six-year-old girl taking her first violin lesson instead.
7. Character-assassinate James Bond.
This is such a big topic that it's due a dedicated post at a later date, but for now it's sufficient to say that the character of James Bond, particuarly in the novels, is not a particuarly nice one. You have to admit that he is actually rather fitting of M's description as a "sexist, misogynist dinosaur" in GoldenEye. Here's a delightful sample line from The Spy Who Loved Me - "All women love semi-rape. They love to be taken." Charming. And Bond's attitude to women doesn't improve in the films, either. Whether he's casually hitting them (Tania), cruelly playing games with them (Miss Taro, Rosie, Andrea Anders) or just plain sexist (essentially forcing his way with Patricia Fearing, Molly Warmflash and goodness knows how many others), it's difficult to see why Bond is "the type of man every woman wants to sleep with". For such a famed lothario, he shows a remarkably dismissive attitude to ladies after having his way with them. Even when they are trying to help - such as Havelock in the FYEO short story - Bond thinks of her as a "silly bitch". The two women he shows any real tenderness to are Tracy and Vesper, both of whom end up dead. The one time his crudeness is permissible, perhaps, is following Vesper's betrayal and suicide, where he simply remarks, "The bitch is dead."
8. Comment on Bond's homosexual leanings in For Your Eyes Only.
The short story, not the film. While on the trail of villain Von Hammerstein, Bond makes an examination of him through binoculars that contains the kind of detail normally reserved only for Bond Girls. "The bone structure of the face... was square, hard and thrusting... the large mouth had hideous lips - thick and wet and crimson... he wore nothing but a strip of black material" is just some of the page-long detail given. And throughout the entire series of novels, there are references made to some women having bottoms like those of men. Was Fleming trying to tell us something about his alter ego spy...?
9. Purport that Bond would never get into the real MI6.
While for many people the definitive 'spy', it's extremely unlikely that Bond would ever make it into the real Security Services. For a start, his drinking and his sixty-a-day habit would put him right out of fitness contention, but his abilities and attitude aren't what SIS are looking for, either. MI6 themselves comment on this, saying on their website that "James Bond's high profile means he wouldn't pass muster as an SIS recruit... he is too high profile. The best intelligence officer is one you would never spot." No arguments on this count. While Bond may be adept at performing death-defying stunts, seducing beautiful women and putting the boot into various underground lairs, his actual tradecraft is definately lacking (count the number of times he is spotting following various people in Casino Royale, for instance).
10. Ask them to defend Live And Let Die, The Man With The Golden Gun or Moonraker.
On second thoughts, this one isn't fair. It's just impossible.
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