Mondays Are Hell: Welcome To My Underground Lair... The Profit Schemes Of Bond Villains

There really is nothing like a good Bond villain. Whether a diabolical madman after world domination (Drax, Graves), a rogue Soviet general seeking the downfall of the West (Orlov, Ouromov) or just a man with a good plan but godawful execution (Largo), the bad guys all have something in common - they provide the antithesis to Bond's suave, sophisticated good guy, the ones we can boo and hiss throughout the course of the film. Oftentimes, the Bond Villain has proved more memorable than the Bond Girl of Bond himself - there's precious little that's good about Moonraker, and most of it is Hugo Drax, Max Zorin was a great villain stuck in a terrible film, and unlike the girls of The Man With The Golden Gun, at least I can remember Scaramanga's name. (Hmm. All those are from the Moore era. Coincidence?)

And where there is a villain, there must be a plot. Bond villians have almost without exception done us proud on this count. They've offered a full spectrum of villainy, from drug-running to extortion to full-blown nuclear annihilation. But there's the catch. Some plans are so ludicrously over-managed and chancy that it seems impossible the villain could ever make his money back - and some just raise questions about why they were ever initiated in the first place. Here are just a few.

Thunderball
After questioning Largo's knowledge of basic secret-keeping last week, it's now time to examine the finances behind his plan. I appreciate that SPECTRE is an international organisation, probably able to call upon millions of dollars at their disposal. But what exactly was Project Thunderball's profit margin? Besides keeping his hundred or so goons in valued employment, Largo had to specially convert the Disco Volante into a bomb carrier, and set up the underwater runway, and hollow out a massive cavern simply to give himself somewhere to hide the bombs. (Interesting how he did that without anyone noticing.) Angelo's training and surgery must have cost a lot as well. And while we're on the subject, how did they know it would be Derval who would fly the nuke flight? It was two years after the plan was started. Anything could have happened to Derval in that time without their interference. Unless they had a dozen different fake pilots ready to take over, in which case even more money would have been spent. I know one hundred million is a lot of money, but SPECTRE's costs on this operation can't have made it viable.

You Only Live Twice
In this movie, SPECTRE have the following:

• Better spacecraft technology than either America or Russia, the world's leading superpowers
• Worldwide manpower and offices on every continent
• The ability to HOLLOW OUT A VOLCANO
• Endless resources of money, to be able to do the above

By this point, I haven't a clue why they're even bothering, to be honest


OHMSS
In this film, Blofeld manages to create a cure for every single food allergy in the world. The question must be asked... Why the hell did he bother with his Evil Plan? He's in possession of one of science's greatest revolutions. He could reveal and market it legitimately and make trillions. (But why make trillions when he could make... billions?) He's so desperate for a title, I'm sure any government in the world would give him one after this. He'd have money and prestige and worldwide fame - surely enough for any man. But no, he holes up on Piz Gloria and holds the world to ransom. Idiot.

The Spy Who Loved Me
It's interesting to note that Stromberg - the man who wants to recreate the human race under the ocean - only seems to have two women in all his holdings. By the end of the movie, both of them were dead. Did he have a back-up plan?

For Your Eyes Only
Just a quick one, this. Assuming that Bond had been stopped and Kristatos had sold the ATAC to the Russians, does anyone really think they would have let him go? Far simpler to kill him and take the money back, especially after Bond killed all the henchmen. Maybe it's just me, but I think Kristatos would have found himself a little over his head.

GoldenEye
The welcome return of the Underground Lair! We haven't seen a proper once since The Spy Who Loved Me, so it's good to see Alec Trevelyan and his massive underground satellite station. The question must be asked, though... is it all really necessary? A smaller complex would be able to do the job just as well, particuarly if it was well hidden. The level of armed response also seems unnecessary. For a start, 006 believes Bond and Natalya are dead, and was sure that no-one could have followed Boris' trail back to Cuba. Also, Wade was adamant that no-one could build a base in Cuba, despite that being exactly what Trevelyan managed to do, and showed no inclination to send men out to look before Bond turned up. (On a side note, I wonder just how 006 did manage to build the complex...) But then again, Trevelyan would have gotten 'more money than God' had he succeeded, so for once he would have been able to pay everybody off.

It seems, therefore, that quite a few Bond Villains could have taken the advice of Dr. Evil's Number Two - as shown with his Virtucon corporation, you can make far more money legitimately than you ever could through evil means. I eagerly await the madman who will, one day, announce that his Evil Plan is to construct a factory that makes miniature plastic models... of factories.